Am I torturing myself

Ask A Therapist OnlineAm I torturing myself
Jon asked 12 years ago

I have been trying to reconcile with my ex. She is now going out of town for a month on business including weekends. I am sick with the fear of the obvious. She has 4 of out kids at home and now she will be basically single in new city for a month. I can’t get this bad feeling out of my stomach.

1 Answers
Best Answer
Insight Psychological Staff answered 11 years ago

Your question brings up a lot of questions for me. How long have you been together with your ex? What were your reasons for separating? Have you broken up and got back together in the past? What most concerns you about her being in a different city for a month?

Learning how to self-sooth during times of a break-up is very difficult. It’s hard not to be influenced by the choices your ex is making. I wonder about your self-talk. What do you tell yourself when you have bad feelings in your stomach? What sorts of thoughts do you have when you think about your ex? your children? How have you been coping so far? Do you find peace in exercise, dancing, meditation, prayer, drinking, gambling….? People have many ways to self-sooth and I wonder how you are taking care of yourself.

What I am also curious about is what your goals are. Do you want techniques on how to reconcile conflict? Are you looking for a way to remove this bad feeling in your stomach? Are you looking for a way to get back together with your ex? Are you wanting your ex to make different choices? Coming in and speaking to a therapist will help you get clear about your goals. It will also help you learn how to cope with your own heartache, and recognize where you have the power to influence other people, as well as accept where you are limited in influencing other people. You can call us here at Insight, (780-461-1717), or you could try The Support Network (780-482-0198).

In the meantime I suggest looking at the following website and creating a small list of your own self-soothing techniques. By creating a calm state of mind, you will be more effective in interacting with and speaking to others (such as your ex), you will also be better able to cope with your own feelings.