At the beginning of my current relationship I was unfaithful. (I kissed a guy once and flirted with others.) We almost broke up, but thankfully we did not. Certainly, it caused some issues. His behavior was different for a long time. But eventually we fell more in love. He became my best friend and confidant.
Now, 3 years later, I’m very afraid of losing him. I have become pathologically jealous and very insecure. He’s tried to help, but I find myself not trusting him. I am pushing him away with my jealous behavior, but I cannot stop.
He’s about to go away for 15 days, and I’m in a panic. I am going crazy not knowing what he will do there. Why can’t I trust him? He never did anything untrustworthy. How do I stop being so possessive and jealous?
It sounds as though you both are still in the coupling phases of your relationship, which can be quite challenging for any relationship.
I would suggest seeking support through couples therapy for you and your partner. Because your relationship has experienced a breech, intervention is required for the couple system. This would require active, open, and consistent intervention to manage the trust issues that appear to be occurring between you and your partner.
John Gottman discusses these issues in various books. Active intervention involves maintaining a reasonable behavior and increasing your level of tolerance of this behavior through open communication. With this type of change, you can both begin to increase your personal levels of differentiation. That is, it will begin to help strengthen each of you (through personal growth and maturity) as individuals within a couple system.
Asha Thomas, B.Sc., M.Sc. Marital and Family Therapist