Causing pain to a partner

Ask A Therapist OnlineCausing pain to a partner
Darren asked 12 years ago

Hi, I am in a relationship of three years and I love my partner very much but I have issues which cause me to react and respond to some things she says to me that I view as negative or that make me feel I have let her down or upset her. I then say negative things which cause me to shut off and I feel so overwhelmed by the emotions I have that I shut off from her and instead of saying sorry, I am engrossed by what has happened and just cant get passed what I have done. Be that through embarressment and guilt or whatever else, It is now a major issue and I need to get some help to stop this pattern and find the cause and cure for what happens. Can you help me or is this for another field of practice I need to contact. Thank you, Darren.

1 Answers
Best Answer
Insight Psychological Staff answered 11 years ago


You are definitely in the right field! It sounds like you and your partner are having difficulties communicating effectively.  Let me assure you that it is not uncommon for couples to become “stuck” in unhelpful patterns of interacting, much like the pattern you described here.  If you choose to meet with a therapist to address this issue, you and your partner would have an opportunity to interrupt the current patterns of interacting, learn effective ways of communicating, and create new ways of interacting that are more helpful to the relationship.

As a marriage and family therapist, it is my philosophy that as individuals we do not operate in isolation. We operate in relationships. Sometimes we get stuck in patterns of interacting that are hard to break, no matter how many attempts we make. The point is, nobody is to blame. The issue lies between you and your partner, rather within you.  So it may not be as important for you and your partner to understand why or how the pattern developed but more important to focus on how you two want things to be different in the future and what life would be like if the problem was solved.

To book an appointment with one of our therapists, please contact the office nearest you.

All the best,

Ashley Tulloch