Toxic Family

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valerie asked 12 years ago

Hello I am 32 year old female , only child and single mom , I am also adopted . I always knew about this and also was never mentioned in my home , my parents were very loving and I had a great childhood , there are people that dont even know to this day that I am adopted. however on my mom’s side of the family , my grandmother whom my mom is very close to , has always treated me differently in a passive agresssive way , when I was like 8 years , everytime she visited my home , and for some reason I behave badly she used to tell me that she was going to take my mom away because of this and I will never see her , this continue on and on until I told my mom however she always found an excuse for her behavior and defended her even to this day, When I was 18 my family and I and also my boyfriend at the time visited her in her home witch is several hours away, there also lives my uncle and his children next door, As I entered my uncles home with my bf at the time , one of my tree cousins he was like 10 at the time was playing some videogame , and I decided to play with him , when the game was finished he got mad and yelled: you cheater , no wonder you are like that since you are adopted , you are not like us!!! I was in schock , I said who told you that? and he said my grandmother did , he said that in front of my bf at the time and he had no idea about this, I run crying from the house to my mom , when i told her she got mad and yellled at my grandmother , she then ( my gradma) came crying asking me to forgive her. After that the incident was never mentioned again , but I never forgave her. Then last month I am 32 years now , all of my 3 cousins came to my home to a family reunion , then after dinner out of the blue my older cousin who is now 26 years old said: you know how weird is that , for many years I did not know that you were adopted , I always knew that somenthing was not right and laugh . everyone went silent in the room , I acted like I did not heard and changed the subject , my mom was not in the room and I still havent told her about this. My problem is that now that I have a baby I dont want my moms part of the family to do him harm emotionally like they did to me . I dont even want to tell my baby when he gets older that I am adopted. It is funny and ironic because all of this comes toxicity comes from a family who is over the top religious specially my grandmother you can always find them on the first row at mass. After so many years I cant believe this has happened to me again , I am afraid to tell my mom because I dont want to make her upset. I dont know what to do , should I alineate myself and my child from this toxic family or should I tell my mom and move on. Please help , excuse my english its not my first language.

1 Answers
Best Answer
Insight Psychological Staff answered 12 years ago

I would recommend that you seek support to help you develop strong and healthy boundaries between you and your family. In doing so, you will be able to establish a healthy balance between your personal self and family life. A therapist can support you in also strengthening your assertiveness skills that will be beneficial not only towards your family but other aspects of your life. Once these skills have been in place, you will be able to utilize them appropriately towards members in your family that may not always be supportive towards you and your child. You may also be able to help your child develop and strengthen these skills as well. If you are interested in improving this aspect of your life, I would recommend booking an appointment with a therapist here at Insight Psychological. We have many therapists here and can help you choose the right path for you.