Sexual crisis

Ask A Therapist OnlineSexual crisis
Sara asked 12 years ago

I’m hoping you could guide me through this unpleasant stage of my life. I?›ƒ?ªƒ?›m married for nearly 10 years, no kids. My husband and I were both in love passionately when we got married (still are), had a good sex life till about 4 years ago (around the time when I started my graduate school). I was so occupied with studying that I hardly had time to do anything, so our sex life shattered greatly for nearly 3 years (only rare occasional intercourse). He was suffering from our sexless life and I admit that I neglected him, he got depression which was fixed mainly through his own effort by exercising, educating himself about his problem, eating healthy, and seeing a counselor (I?›ƒ?ªƒ?›m 100% sure there was no cheating). It?›ƒ?ªƒ?›s been a year since I?›ƒ?ªƒ?›ve finished school and back to normal (at least I thought it was). I was on a 2-month trip afterward. When I came back I found that my husband started using sex toy during the time I was gone (which is totally ok with me). He told me it was a good practice for him to improve our sex life and also useful for the time that I wasn?›ƒ?ªƒ?›t available. At first, he masturbated only when I wasn?›ƒ?ªƒ?›t available but the frequency increased and now he does it even when I?›ƒ?ªƒ?›m available. I initiated having sex more than he did for a while but apparently he doesn’t want me in his sex life (though he denies it). I told him that it bothered me when he did it while I was available (after some arguments, then cooling down and trying to be reasonable, honest, and open minded about this problem) he told me that he loved me more than anything else in the world but sometimes he?›ƒ?ªƒ?›s not attracted to me sexually (that really hurts) and that sometimes he feels like doing it without me. He thinks it is normal that sex frequency and initial passion declines after a few years of marriage (I agree) but losing attraction? We both try to be open and willing to work on this issue because we love each other very much. He never had sex before me and he feels left out of the world. He thinks if he has sex with a prostitute, he gets the experience without hurting my feelings and asked if I agreed (he thinks sex and love are totally different). I really need help. I feel rejected and unattractive and depressed. I truly appreciate any help! Thanks.