Trigger warning – this question contains content that may be uncomfortable to some. Insight edited the question for clarity.
I have an extremely narcissistic father and he wants to completely control me forever! Help! Please, he says that if a father tells his son to drink his urine, he should do it. He physically and emotionally abuses me for no reason at all every day and wants me to abuse my mother and sister. And yet at the same time claims that he loves me more than anything else. I guess this is because he is struggling to control his aggressive sadistic temper. He does not believe in anyone and anything, and sees himself as above all others. My father’s father was an abusive Muslim man, who raped his daughter in Iran. As a result, she committed suicide. And yet my father does not tell me anything about her. My father tells me that he always loved the moment when his father was abusing him and kicking him, because it was a sacred blessing from god. Please help me! I don’t know why he does this.
Is Your Father’s Behaviour Abuse?
You’re facing a very serious and challenging issue. Your father’s behaviour, as you’ve described it, is abusive and may be considered child abuse depending on how old you and your sister are.
The Government of Canada provides some definitions to help you distinguish the different types of abuse. Physical abuse and some forms of emotional abuse are crimes in Canada, regardless of age.
Reporting Abuse and Local Laws
In Canada, “every person… has the duty to report known or suspected child maltreatment by law.” You can find more information on child welfare and duty to report on the Canadian Child Welfare Research Portal.
If you do not reside in Canada, you can review the definitions and laws in your country. Even if the law does not consider a particular type of abuse a crime, it is still wrong.
Create Physical and Emotional Safety Plans
The first priority is to ensure that you are physically safe. One step you can take to keep yourself safe is creating a safety plan.
Engaging in emotional safety planning is also important. People who are exposed to abuse often experience various mental health problems, such as depression.
Our bodies are not meant to be constantly alert and on guard for violence. If you’re living with someone who abuses you and those around you, your body is probably in a constant state of stress, which can have serious emotional and physical side effects.
Abusers often use manipulation to convince the person they abuse that they deserve it and to minimize the problem. Manipulation can be confusing for the person being abused, especially when the abuser is someone close to you.
To mitigate some of these potential side-effects, the National Domestic Hotline recommends that you seek support (think about who you can talk to, such as other family members, trusted teachers, etc.), create or find a safe place for yourself, and remember that you deserve kindness from yourself and others.
Why Your Father May Behave This Way
I can’t say with certainty why your father behaves the way he does, but I can speculate based on the information you’ve provided. Your father’s abusive behaviour may stem in part from his own history of abuse. Although there is no conclusive research showing that people who are abused as children are more likely to abuse their own children, people learn much behaviour by watching others.
Cultural norms and hyper-religiosity may also factor into his behaviour. Your father may have adopted certain ideas and behaviours from what others taught him and how he saw other people behave throughout his life.
Another common reason some people abuse others is that they are insecure and controlling others through fear gives them a sense of power. In parent-child abuse, children might feel a need to excuse and defend their parents’ behaviour because they rely on their parents to fulfill other needs. This common desire to defend the abuser may be one reason why your father rationalizes his own father’s abusive behaviour.
Where to Get Help
You can contact your local therapist for more help or you can contact Insight Psychological to book an appointment (Insight offers in-person counselling in Alberta, Canada and online counselling).
The Government of Canada website lists various resources for you to access. Wikipedia also has a list of hotlines by region, which you can call to get confidential help over the phone and, sometimes, through an online chat system.
