help

hello,im first time here,i dont know am i crazy or not,i am maximalist and perfectionist and this two thing ruin my life,i try very hard to fight them,i tell myself that world is not a perfect place and nobody is perfect and try to be happy in my own skin but i cant,when i see someone handsome than me,taller,smarter,richer,kinder,evil,successful,happy,intelligent ect. i get angry and mad,im good at hiding it,nobody sees it but i cant do anything with it,i have no friends,i try to focus on career but im 23 and still havenot found my true passion for life,most of time i spend thinking and being depresed,before i had many friends but they all used me,some for my fathers money,some for my courage and because i was silly,i was bullied alot,i loved one girl and my best friend fucked her,she hated me and they both laughed at me,now my father has no money,and will not have any more cause he is total idiot,in my city people hate me because i made mistakes over mistakes because i was very silly,i try to be happy,i know that if i will help other people and do good things that universe will answer with same,but it doesnt happens,i am normal looking,sometimes girls are interested in me but i refuse always because i have complex of not being perfect and they think that im arogant and hate me,i have seen the street life and i dont know why do i live,i was thinking alot about sucide but i dont want to hurt my mother,she lives only for us,i ask god every night to take me with him but he doesnt take me,he took all good people that i knew,i hope that good death will find me and there is life after death,i know that the only way to succed is to never give up,i try to motivate myself every day,i worl out with all my heart but i gain nothing much because i can not breathe cause of broken nose that doctor sayed it will never work properly but i still work out,i have alot of surgeries,the last one they took a bone from my stomach,i used to paint when i was a child,at university i liked one girl very much but i couldnt talk to her during 4 years,and than she went in other country and i found out than that she was in love with me and i had no idea,i was such an idiot,i was walking lonely into the streets for hope to meet true love their,a lot of people tell me that im not normal and im crazy,i dont want to be crazy,i want to be normal like other people and be happy but i feel that im not normal