An old boyfriend just came back into my life and I’m engaged – What should I do?

Ask A Therapist OnlineAn old boyfriend just came back into my life and I’m engaged – What should I do?
amy asked 12 years ago

I’m 19 and have been engaged to a someone since I was 18. Our families were really truly happy for us.

Recently I’ve begun to wonder if I truly love him. I know he loves me.

An old boyfriend came back into my life, and though would fight sometimes we did care deeply for one another. (He even proposed at one point.) Anyway, I told him I ended my engagement, which I really haven’t.

I’m afraid to break it off. I don’t want to upset my family. I don’t want to regret anything. My brain tells me to stay engaged, but my heart tells me to go back to my old boyfriend.

I’m very confused.

1 Answers
Best Answer
Insight Psychological Staff answered 10 years ago

Wow, this is a very tough situation. You need to take some time with yourself to figure out what it is that you really want. Remember, that being in love is not just about the infatuation rush. True love is not always a high, it is about seeing the other person, the things you like and the things you don’t like, and caring enough about them to accept those things. Just because you are again feeling those “love rush” feelings for your ex, does not mean that it is true love. This is a very difficult and complicated time for you, so the best thing to do is take some time to get clarity with yourself.

What concerns me about your situation is the lack of honesty. You say you are in love with your ex, but you lied to him about ending the engagement. It’s okay to tell your ex that you are confused and you don’t know what to do right now, but lying to him about your fiancé will not create a healthy base for your relationship. In addition, it is not a good idea to be dishonest with your current fiancé or your parents. It’s okay to tell them that you are confused. It’s okay to let them know that this other person has showed up in your life again and has made a lot of promises. It’s also okay to admit that you haven’t completely got over your feelings for him. You can ask your parents and your fiancé to give you some time and space to get your thoughts and feelings in order. It’s also okay to tell them that you are scared and confused, and that you don’t want to hurt any body.

Who would be the easiest person out of this group to tell first? (Your mom, your dad, your current fiancé, or your ex?) Who do you think would offer the most support and be the most understanding? Talk to that person first. Sit them down and tell them you have something you need to get off your chest, and your scared because you don’t want to hurt anyone. When we tell others that we are scared, confused, or hurting, it elicits empathy in them. So start of the conversation by admitting that what you are about to say is very difficult.

Good luck to you, you are in a very difficult place right now.

Tina Cowan, Masters Intern