Ask A Therapist OnlineWondering if this is the actual end
Anonymous asked

My bf and I have been open since the start (3 years). He is a great man in every way except his sex addiction. I went through his old phone and found evidence that he had unprotected more than once, more than girl. He feels betrayed, and dumped me that very day, moving, and refused councelling.

Best Answer
Insight Psychological Staff answered

This is a very difficult thing to go through for both of you. You were wanting honesty and to keep yourself safe. He was wanting to be trusted.

People who have a sex addiction often feel bad about themselves (it’s not highly approved of in our society). This causes them to be defensive and reactive to others who may (potentially) judge their behavior. The fact that he dumped you for this reason tells me that he was very hurt and unable to cope with this pain (therefore leaving the situation felt safer to him than staying and working through it).

The only thing you can do now is attempted repair tactics and hope that he responds to them. I suggest starting with a letter. Highlight all of his strengths and the reasons you are attracted to him. Then point out some of the strengths of your relationship. This will help him remember why it’s beneficial to be with you. The next part of the letter should be an effective apology. Recognize the fact that your actions made him feel betrayed. Tell him you did not mean to make him feel this way. Perhaps you could tell him that you want to trust him, but you need help with this. (Especially if you feel insecure about his past). genuinely say you’re sorry and let him know how upset you feel knowing that you hurt him. Conclude the letter with hope. Highlight some more strengths and tell him what you hope for him (a good life, happiness, etc) and what you hope for the two of you (peace, respect, support…)

After the letter (whether he responds to it or not) I suggest showing him your goodness. Let him be reminded of why he was initially attracted to you. This is small simple things like calling him to tell him a joke, confiding in him about a conflict at work, or sending him a funny/insightful link on facebook.

I am going to attach some more information on repairing a relationship. I highly recommend signing up for the free weekly emails.

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