Anonymous asked

Hello. I feel weird. Its only last couple of moths this has been worring me and i think i should talk to someone but i dont know who. im 17 years old, and i realised that i am maybe different in others, in my emotions and feelings, and a way of thinking. it started when i was about 4, i remember lying in my bed and thiking about hurting others. i was fascinated by the knifes in the kitchen, and thinking what it would be like to stab my parents, or myself. sometimes i wanted to, but didnt find courage. i also remeber shouting at my two year old sister that i hate her and that shes ugly. when she started crying, i would start apologising and cuddling her, loving the feeling that i can control her feelings. at that age, i thought it was normal, but now im realising it cant be. i have a 2 year old sister now, and i love my family more than anything, but sometimes i wanna hit her, or bite her so she starts crying. i hate myself for it, but its like there is some kind of need to do it. as i said, i love my family, but i keep thining about horrible things that could happen, ways they could day, and its frightening. i also constantly lie about little things, just because i want to be seen as perfect by other people, but when they find out, they get angry i have a need to lie. sometimes i just feel so anxious, and lie on my bed and feel so scared, but the next day, i can feel so happy. my mood changes quite quickly. maybe its just my personality, but the thought of hurting others scares me. i have always been troubles i guess. when i was 10, i started stealing from shops, i had sex with an older guy when i was 13. when i was 14, i developed anorexia, which later became bulimia. to feel better about my self i stared smoking and using drugs, and had sex with a 31 year old men, which i cant remeber anything off, because i was so drunk and unconsious. now i am 17 and im studying hard, and tring to be good, but sometimes i just get feelings of anxiety and horrible thoughts, and need to lie and manipulate others.I am scared to talk to my family or friend about it, they would hate me for it. please, what should i do??

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