Lyndsey asked 12 years ago
Hello, Surely by the age of 31 I should be able to decide if I should stay with my boyfriend of 2.5 years or not…but I have been back and forth and back and forth for months. A bit about us, we have been together for 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 of those. We have communication issues – he shuts down…stonewalls me when we have an argument. We tend to have the same 3-4 arguments because nothing is ever solved. I also have some jeaslousy issues (I was cheated on in a past relationship) but I have made great strides in conquering them. Some days, things are fine..but others not so much. When we fight, in my head i am thinking, i have got to get out of this. We are/were engaged. He asked me after about 9 mkonths of dating, but then we didn’t talk about it…no plans were made…he didn’t want to discuss it. We have been engaged technically for almost 2 years now and there are no plans for a wedding. Zero. I recently asked him about this and he said he proposed because it seemed like the thing to do. He wanted to “lock it down”. I haven’t worn my engagement ring in over 3 months and don’t really consider us engaged. Sorry I could go on and on here, but what i really need is advice on how an indecisive person can make such a big decision, and if I do decide to leave, how to break up with him without breaking his heart…or at least a few gentle techniques? Thanks so much
Insight Psychological Staff answered 12 years ago
Three years into a relationship is considered new, and therefore, each of you are still attempting to understand the other, reveal your true selves, and generally strengthen the couple system. What you have described is common in many couple relationships and can occur during different developmental stages of a relationship. With the given information, you and your husband need to be clear on what you require and expect in the relationship from the other. Once this has been identified, teaching each other how to accommodate to these expectations would be beneficial. Because there can be different imbalances within the relationship along with strong emotions, including a third, neutral party in a safe environment may also be helpful in obtaining growth within the relationship without losing oneself. A third party can also provide additional psycho-education on active listening and communication issues that may be present as well. If you and your husband are both interested, we have a variety of therapists at Insight Psychological who are able to support both of you in working through this issue.
