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Asked by Caleb

Sex addiction is ruining my relationship

Hi there, after cooking a nice meal for me and my girlfriend, she brought up our recent issues of me searching sex sites and communicating with past sexual partners with the possibility of revisiting some old times. Ahem ... I've agreed I have a problem and am willing to seek help. My problem is she needs to see that I'm serious and some action taken. I run a 10 employee company which I own, and have little time in this first week to book some therapy or seek it out. I've recently seen more success in my 16 year carreer than ever, have had 2 long term relationships, and enjoy the companionship and partnership of my my new partner. I'm not entirely attracted to this person physically as I am emotionally. Great personality, smart, great conversation, mentally stimulating, but I just am not as attracted to an overly health conscious "skinny" girl as I am to voluptuous women. It's gotten to the point where I can't reach orgasm after hers and she knows something's up. What can or should I do? I can picture myself riding into the sunset with her but I cannot stop fantasizing about other women. I feel as though I just might not be able to. Suggestions? Thanks and regards.


Ashley Hoogenberg's Answer



Thank your for turning to Insight Psychological. I admire your honesty and willingness to address this issue.  The issue you have presented with is quite complex and unfortunately there is not a simple answer to your question.

Given the information you have provided, it sounds like you have great emotional intimacy and depth with your partner but you don't physically desire or become aroused by her the way that you want to. You indicated that you are more attracted to voluptuous women than thinner women. The desire for a particular woman or body type can be referred to as an arousal template, and is often developed in adolescence. Your desire for voluptuous women is influenced by your previous sexual experiences, past relationships, and current activities that reinforce this desire including porn use, fantasizing about voluptuous women, and communicating with previous sexual partners. Such activities get in the way of your relationship and disconnect you sexually from your partner.

If you want to become more aroused by your partner and experience orgasm with her, it will involve a process of disengaging from activities that reinforce your desire for voluptuous women, tuning into your sexual experiences with your partner, and adapting and reprogramming your arousal template to include your partner's body type.

There is a lot left to explore in regards to this matter, so if you would like to follow up on this discussion, please give our office a call at 780-461-1717 to book an appointment with one of our therapists.



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