Ask A Counsellor - Answered
Sex addiction is ruining my relationship
My girlfriend recently brought up the fact that I've been browsing sex sites and communicating with past sexual partners with the possibility of revisiting old times. I agreed I have a problem and am willing to seek help. Finding time to seek help is an issue.
I'm not as attracted to my girlfriend physically as I am emotionally. (I prefer voluptuous women over health-conscious skinny girls.) It's gotten to the point where I can't reach orgasm after hers and she knows something's up. I can picture myself riding into the sunset with her but I can't stop fantasizing about other women. What can or should I do?
Ashley Hoogenberg (Not taking new clients)'s Answer
Thank your for bring honest and willing to address this issue. The issue you have presented with is quite complex and unfortunately there is no simple answer to your question.
Given the information you provided, it sounds like you have great emotional intimacy and depth with your partner, but you don't physically desire or become aroused by her the way that you want to. The desire for a particular woman or body type can be referred to as an arousal template, and is often developed in adolescence. Your desire for voluptuous women is influenced by your previous sexual experiences, past relationships, and current activities that reinforce this desire including porn use, fantasizing about voluptuous women, and communicating with; previous sexual partners. Such activities get in the way of your relationship and disconnect you sexually from your partner.
If you want to become more aroused by your partner and experience orgasm with her it will involve a process of disengaging from activities that reinforce your desire for voluptuous women, tuning into the sexual experiences with your partner, and "reprogramming" your arousal template to include your partner's body type.
There is a lot left to explore in regards to this matter, so if you would like to follow up on this discussion, please contact our office to book an appointment with one of our therapists.
Ashley Hoogenberg, M.Sc. MFT, Registered Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®